The CIA has learned that thoughts and prayers actually works…
“Nancy, what’s happening in Dallas?” I asked.
“Nothing new, yet,” she called back, picking up a phone to make another call.
“Ronald, I noticed your Facebook picture didn’t have a ‘Thoughts and Prayers’ banner on it! What are you thinking!?” I yelled.
“I’m sorry, sir! It slipped my mind after changing my profile picture,” he said, scrambling to log into Facebook.
“Celeb team!” I yelled to the next room, my voice announcing my entrance.
“Sir!” they said back in unison.
“Give me A-listers!” I commanded.
“We got Tom Holland, asking everyone to remain unified in solidarity,” Jason informed me.
“Holland?” I asked.
“Spider-Man, sir,” he replied, dutifully.
“Excellent, give me more to work with, though. Who’s onboard and who’s on the fence?”
“DiCaprio, Cumberbatch, and Gyllenhaal have all invited people to the vigil on their Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter accounts.”
“Maggie or Jake,” I asked, quickly.
“If it was Maggie, I would have clarified that sir,” he said, smirking. I could always count on him to make light of our most stressful situations.
“And those not willing?”
“Adam Driver still isn’t sure about it. He says it won’t further his career enough.”
“Which one is — “
“He’s Kylo Ren,” he responded.
“Ah, well tell him that his life probably won’t further if he doesn’t post how upset he is about the last attack,” I ordered.
“And if he — “
“And he doesn’t accept that, we’ll rig an Oscar for him,” I continued.
“Yes sir!” he barked, marching to his station to make his relevant calls.
“Give me B-List and lower!” I called, scrolling through my phone.
“Well, sir,” Ashley began, “we have makeup artists on hold to start crying — “
“Hold that thought,” I apologized to her, “Ronald, for the love of God, I will have you arrested for treason if you don’t change your profile picture to say ‘Thoughts and Prayers!”’ I looked up to Ashley, nodding for her to continue as Ronald squealed in terror from the room behind us.
“We have YouTube stars prepared to cry about tragedy,” she finished.
“How many? More than a dozen, have them all go at once. Less than five, give them four-hour intervals, anything in between, let them decide between themselves.”
She nodded and scribbled into her pad.
“Sir!” Harrison appeared next to me, unable to catch his breath. He was pointing to his phone, but couldn’t get the words out.
“Give me good news,” I said, sternly.
“We… “ he took a deep breath, “we found the terrorists! They’re in a small shack in Jacksonville. If we send out a team now, we can — “
I slapped him across the face.
“I told you to set up the parade in Jacksonville to rally support, not go on some wild goose chase for these scum! If I wanted you to waste your time, I would have had you tell Ronald that I will murder him if he doesn’t change his infernal profile picture in the next two seconds!” I heard Ronald furiously typing behind us. “Now get back out there and do something that matters! Tell everyone that everything will be okay and ignore the terrorists themselves!”
“Yes sir!”