An Inexperienced Genie
I looked at her for a long while, pondering my first wish. She floated back and forth in my room, attempting to avoid my scrutinous gaze. I opened my mouth to make a request and she perked up far too quickly, so I closed my mouth immediately. She wasn’t going to catch me off guard.
“W — “ she started to speak but held herself back.
I refused to say a word. This was a genie from a garage sale. Hardly top-echelon material. I didn’t want to risk any wishes being maliciously played with.
“Was I unclear with my introduction?” she whispered, seemingly to herself as much as me.
“Huh?” I asked.
A clipboard appeared before her and she studied it, her eyes darting across it worriedly.
“Grand entrance.. ‘Behold, I am an all-powerful genie..’ Three wishes… Anything you want except extra wishes… Do you have any questions.. I swear I covered all of it.” Her eyes grew misty. “I suck at this. I knew I was the reason no one wanted my lamp.”
I was not ready to handle this.
The air around the lamp suddenly became very cold as she began sobbing inconsolably.
“I’M A FAILURE. I DIDN’T EVEN GET TO TRY AND I FAILED,” her head grew larger with every word she moaned and her voice became the cracking of thunder.
My room began to shake. I needed to stop this from getting any worse.
“Woah woah woah, stop! Please! Stop!”
“I NEVER SHOULD HAVE LEFT HOME. MOM WAS RIGHT ABOUT ME. A GENIE? WHAT WAS I THINKING?”
A crack formed in the center of my room, threatening to split my house.
“HEY!” I cried, “I WISH YOU WOULD STOP CRYING.”
Her eyes still closed, she snapped her fingers and the chaos enveloping my room went straight into the lamp. Before I could react to that, she shrank down and darted to an inch from my face, watching attentively. She breathed slowly, eyes wide. I broke eye-contact, not knowing what else to do.
“Did I do good?” she sniffled.
“Huh?” I gasped. She was scaring me, and not in the way that an incredible being ought to.
“Did I grant the wish well?” she clarified.
“I… uh…” her lip began to quiver at my hesitation. “Yes! Great job.” I added quickly.
Her eyes lit up as she grew six times larger, filling my room to capacity.
“SUCCESS.” She pointed down to me and chanted in an impossibly deep voice “YOUR WISH IS MY DESIRE.”
“Does this mean I only have two wishes left?” I asked.
“Yes!” she squealed gleefully, still on her adrenaline high. Did genies have adrenaline?
“That doesn’t seem fair. I used my wish to calm you down, which I wouldn’t have had to do if you didn’t go berserk in the first place,” I retorted.
She frowned in thought. Her frown slowly grew. And grew. She started trembling.
“Wait,” I attempted, feeling what was coming.
“YOU’RE RIGHT, IT’S ALL MY FAULT!!!” she bellowed. “EVEN WHEN I DO SOMETHING RIGHT, IT’S ALL WRONG!!!”
“Please don’t do this again. I don’t want to have to — “
“AND I EVEN DID THE WHOLE ‘YOUR WISH IS MY DESIRE.’ I CAN’T BELIEVE IT. HOW EMBARRASSING!!!” My bed imploded at her screaming ‘embarrassing’ and slowly, one by one, the lights in my house started blowing up as well. I felt fluid coming out of my nose and felt that it was blood. I needed to make a wish that would stop her outbursts. But I didn’t want to waste another one on her. It seemed —
“I SHOULD JUST QUIT LIKE EVERYONE TOLD ME TO!!” she screamed, causing the split in the floor to open wider. A handful of my clothes fell in the abyss. My head felt like it was going to split open next. I didn’t have time to think of a clever wish. I just needed to pain to end.
“I WISH YOU WOULD LISTEN TO ME!” I cried.
The room continued to split, but she looked at me attentively. More things fell into the hole in my room.
“Did I — “
“Yeah, you did a great job,” I said, curtly.
She beamed but didn’t go into any more outbursts. I sneezed and saw a huge wad of blood on the floor.
“What the… am I bleeding?”
“Oh, out of every orifice!” she said spritely.
“Every…” I looked to my arms and saw that even my pores had spots of red forming on them.
I looked at her angrily and yelled,
“You are by far the worst genie that has ever existed. I don’t care if this is your first time, this should be your last time!” She looked hurt but listened dutifully as I continued, “You have caused so much more damage than I thought possible, and I thought you were going to be one of those that take advantage of the wish-maker. You’re the absolute worst. I wish you were at least a competent genie! Wait — “
She snapped her fingers and smoke came out of her ears as her magic applied itself.
“Oh boy,” she whistled, looking around the wreckage, bemused, “I definitely messed up.”
“Yeah,” I sighed, “now can you — “
“See you later!” She snapped and vanished in smoke.